a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
