Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
did you just send me my own nude
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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