but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Randomize
