So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
