Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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