my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
