FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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