Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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