remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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