The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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