somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
