He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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