Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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