OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
