i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
