I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
