You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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