Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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