i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's shark week go big or go home
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
