wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
