It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
