Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
ok first of all what the fuck
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
