Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
