I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
