I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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