I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
