Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
His hands were made for my vagina.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
