Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize