I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
