It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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