Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
