were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
