Betty ford says i'm here all night
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
