3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
