girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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