I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
