so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
