I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
