well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
