We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
