allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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