i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
