Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
