my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
