Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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