by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
