Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
