apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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