i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
