Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Randomize
