I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
