You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
