tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
