Don't make out with my wife yet
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
