everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
