I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I think I sprained my soul last night
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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