if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
