God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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