The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
