Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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