I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize