They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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