If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
