i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
