when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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