I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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