dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
