I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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