Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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