she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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